The Artist behind the Mask

A new year deserves a new entry don't you think?

I'm hoping that 2009 will be a year of healing, and a year full of amazing artistic growth. I actually struggled way more than I expected to in 2008. I was forced to finally move right before Christmas, and now I live in the suburbs. I have two roommates, a cat, and two birds to deal with now. The cat is my new best friend, but I'm just not into the birds. Although one of the birds is into me, and has literally chased me around the apartment.

My art will play a major role in my life this year. With all that's going on with me, I don't have a choice when it comes to succeeding. I've been a little off since the move though, and I'm just trying to get back into work. Of course I'm still working with nude models every week. It's about the only consistent thing in my life right now. The last decent piece that I created was a tattoo design for someone. Well, I sort of just did what I wanted to do, and used a style that I usually don't use for such pieces. I ended up giving the design to a certain young lady though. She actually came up with the phrase on the design's banner. "Love Conquers All". The phrase was the one thing that the original recipient wanted me to come up with. This young lady wanted the phrase on her skin, and loved the image that I designed. So, I combined the two, and basically said she could use it instead. It's not like I was getting paid for this job. I liked the original idea, and I rather see the design on her lower back. Who cares about some guy's arm... lol.

( NSFW art and more artsy rambling... )

I'm actually still alive and creating art. I created this image specifically for a local publication. The editors made me incorporate their logo into the image as well. The medium is Bic pen on Illustration board. 10x10 I believe. Enjoy.

Beautiful people suck.

Ok... I know I usually just use this LJ to vent and bitch, but I seriously should try to change that. I actually have a social life (sometimes), and my life isn't  completely consumed by a big ball of negative energy. I'm really happy when I'm around art somehow. Even when the pain is too much, just being around creative energy cheers me up some.

So, I attended a local art show last month. I was planning to type an entry about it last month, but I'm glad I waited. I now have visuals:D I'm really glad that someone decided to record the event. Anyways, there seems to be an art movement developing in the area. Fueled by younger artists and art lovers. Thank God...thank Buddah...Jehovah... ok... I'm being silly. I just feel like I'm in an artistic wasteland at times in this area. September's show was an all female show. I've actually met the young couple who promoted the show. It seems like everyone in the art scene here is connected to each other in someway. The all female show ("Joan of Art") actually used a tattoo shop to display the art. Fuzion Ink. A shop that is a few doors down from my Drawing group space, and next to the gay bar....lol. You have to love this area in Norfolk (Ghent to be precise) if you're young, open-minded and creative. I've spent a lot of time in Ghent in the last 12 months.

Anyways, the show was a huge success. I felt out of place somewhat at times though. It wasn't the fact that I was just about the only colored individual there (Asians were the dominate minority present), but the fact that I didn't have one tattoo....lol. You had people outside showing off massive back pieces. I guess hosting a show at a tattoo parlor will attract such a crowd. Well, a lot of Ghent individuals seem to be tattooed at times. I have a thing for cute girls with tats:D I have to say that a lot of attractive young ladies were present that night in general. I really wanted to hit on one of the art girls, but it wasn't hard to lose someone in the crowd. It seems like a certain local paper reporter was present as well that night. I met her at my Drawing group a few weeks before the show. Instant crush right there...lol. I doubt that I would even have a chance with her. She's surrounded by so many creative individuals. She has actually been focusing on the art scene a lot lately, and everyone knows her at this point. She's too cute.

Now for the visuals. The first photo features one half of the promotion team MC7C. Kat. I'm loving this girl. She's very energetic, and a cutie. It seems like every time we've chatted, her breasts are always in my face....lol. I think a group of us are going to have her and her husband promote our show next year.

 





















She actually sold a lot of prints that night.







The food was really good. The spread was huge, and I over spiced my sushi. I actually ate there, and went out to a new spot with a friend after the show.



Finally,  we have the female DJ. DJ Spookster. Another cutie, but she was spinning with cds? I'm still traumatized by the club that was using Mp3s. You had to love the three second gaps in between songs...lol. Spookster was cool though. She fooled me. DJs with no records...hmmm.

There was more work up, but this entry is already image heavy. I think you can get the feel of the show from these images though. You can read more about the show, and learn about the MC7C promotion team at: http://www.myspace.com/monochromatic7cities

Edit: A friend just said that I focused on the girls more than the art itself. She's picking on me:P

I want to be corrupted by "Her".
I want to feel "Her" embrace.
I want to be inside "Her".
I want to create beautiful art with "Her".

There is no "Her" though. I'm really tired of being alone, and the last few months have been really hard. Of course with my current situation, nothing can be easy. I continue to walk in a different world, and isolation is always the theme of my life now.

My social life seems to revolve around medical appointments, and my Drawing group. I seriously don't know how I could deal with life without the group. I rarely even see the few friends that I have in my life, so the group entertains me. Instead of going out on the weekends, I'm hanging out on Tuesday nights. I'm really trying not to hit on any models anymore, but it seems like I'm always relating with the models. The male to female ratio for the artists still tends to be unbalanced. There has only been one art girl that I was really into. Maybe two. I seriously need another outlet to meet people. Ghent is actually an eclectic area, but I still feel like I'm out of place. As long as I'm in Virginia, I don't think I'll ever be happy. Unless I'm back in Richmond. I would say Northern Virginia, but the traffic and cost of living is too ridiculous. I like a nice middle ground, although I wish I could live in San Francisco. Why can't I just meet some creative individual who is into me? I've met some creative and interesting individuals on-line in the last few years, but no one lives here. It can get depressing. Someone needs to save me, and introduce me to "Her".

So, another artist on LJ wanted to see my examples of ballpoint pen art. These are old, but oh well. The three pieces were created with your average BIC pens. Not an easy task, since I like controlled strokes. I'm always impressed when I complete a decent BIC piece.


This is one of the first real images I completed with a BIC. My lines aren't too controlled, and I was just focused on rendering the image.


This piece is more controlled, but I didn't like the outcome. I was too scared to experiment with it, and it has some other flaws I'm not happy about. Oh well.


This is one of my last BIC pieces. More stylized, and it's still missing something. She's suppose to be r&b singer Mya. I created this piece when Mya was more popular. I believe she has a single out now though. Google her, and see if I did a good job capturing her image.

Any comments? Be truthful:P

As of Monday May 14, I was back in the hospital.  For my second major surgery in two years. My right knee was grafted this time though. I  went in for a scope of my knee that morning, and  I was released that day with a  grafted knee. I wasn't prepared at all this time. My knee specialist didn't tell me before that morning that he could graft the knee. If  the results from the scope revealed that I needed the graft. So, I'm caged  once again. I believe the recovery time is only 8 weeks. That can't compare to the 4.5 months that  I spent on crutches when my thigh bone head was grafted.

The late Rick James said " Cocaine is a hell of a drug". Prednisone is also a hell of a drug. That med did more damage than good. If I had known that the med could cause bones to decay (a condition called Avascular Necrosis/AVN), I highly doubt I would've touched the med. The bone grafts to correct my AVN issues are never pleasant.  It seems like the last several years has been filled with pain in my life. My knee actually doesn't feel too bad at the moment. I didn't even start using Vicodin until the second day after my graft. My Mother was on my case, since I refused to use pain meds. I caved in eventually,  when the pain kept me up all night. I just hate how Vicodin makes me feel, and I can't see how people would abuse the med. I weened myself off the med over the weekend. I'm not experiencing any real pain, which is odd to me. The first graft was intense, and that first week was very painful.

I still hate being tied to my bed. I get around better on a grafted knee though. I'm trying not to go insane at home. I miss my Drawing group more than anything. The group was my one escape from everything. The only real social time for me as well. After each session, the usual suspects and me would venture out to a pub or bar. I even had a brief something with one of the models. I still wish I hadn't deleted all the posts I made about her here. The way everything went down though...it just didn't make any sense. Anyways, that's a subject for another day. I just want to have some fun.

So, I guess I should discuss my other health issues. On a postive note, the left thigh head healed on it's own. That is one graft that I can avoid. Hopefully, I'm done with grafts now. The thigh is still weak, and a pain to deal with for support right now. The recent MRI showed no signs of the AVN though. I'll blame  positive energy for the healing, and my Mother will blame her family's strong genes...lol. My Orthopedic doctor for my thigh thinks I have tendonitis around the thigh bone head. I was actually talked into getting a Cortisone shot for it. A quick fix, but the med is a steroid as well. i should have known better, and I was miserable for a whole month. The side-effects were too much for me. It was like being on Prednisone all over again.

Remission for my Myositis still seems like a fantasy at times. My Rheumatologist referred me to a Neurologist, and the Neurologist is trying to send me to John Hopkins. JH actually has a Myositis clinic, and I have a number of friends from my support group trying to go there. From all over the East Coast. My closest friend drives from NY to the clinic in Baltimore for her treatment now. I doubt I will ever be "normal", although I look "normal". I'm more health conscious these days though, and Buddhist philosophy has changed the way that I think, and look at the world. Just like my unfinished art though, I'm a work in progress. I'm trying to stay positive, and let my light shine. I just want what everyone else wants. To be loved...to be successful...

I attempted to catch a mugger Tuesday night. Probably not the smartest thing to do at the moment. 

It was another typical night for me Tuesday. Another session with the Drawing Group. The atmosphere was a tad bit different that night though. No one had bothered to bring any music. The model didn't even show up. One of the group members volunteered to pose though. Always interesting when that happens. Well, during our second pose of the night, we heard screaming downstairs. It's not uncommon to hear a lot of interesting sounds below our studio space. That part of Granby Street always has some interesting characters hovering around the area. That night though, we heard screams for help. One of the female members suggested that we should figure out what was going on. So, a handful of us went downstairs. I managed to lead the small group. Across the street, you could see two men pushing against each other. Not the typical image of what you would think a mugging looks like. For a second, I thought they were participating in some kind of sexual experience. I believe the female member was thinking the same thing. We crossed the street though, and the old man yelled that he was being mugged. The alleged mugger actually claimed that he wasn't mugging him, and then he continued to push against the old man. That's when all of us sprinted towards the two men. I wasn't thinking at all. It was a reaction to the moment. I didn't think about my grafted leg. I didn't think about my other leg. I didn't think about my active muscle disease. I was ahead of everyone, and the mugger chose to run when he saw me approaching him. It didn't take long for my grafted leg to give out on me though. The reality of my life. One of the guys from the group continued to chase him, but I didn't expect him to catch him. He came downstairs with a pool stick apparently though, and attempted to throw the stick at the mugger. The mugger would drop his coat, and eventually run off as he dodged the stick.

My cell phone flew off my belt while I was running, and the female member was on my cell with 911 as I limped back towards the scene of the crime. My body was in so much pain. The tendons around my grafted thighbone were shooting pain. My muscles throughout my back and chest felt like they were going to explode. Why didn't I think this out? I know I may look like I'm healthy, but I'm far from being healthy. Especially lately. If anything, I should know better then to chase a mugger. I live in the hood, and I know how things are. How desperate people become when they're on drugs or living in poverty. What was I going to do if I had caught him? I would've handled him easily before my illness and surgery.

It didn't take long for the cops to approach the scene. They took some statements, but you could see that they knew they wouldn't catch the guy. With all these visual artists chasing the mugger, we couldn't give a good description. The old man didn't do any better, and the cops allowed us to return to the group without taking our names and info. We would learn that the mugger managed to get away with the old mans wallet while he waited for the bus. Off and on, you could see our group organizer taking photos of us from the studio window. Just another night in Norfolk.

Returning to the studio, I could barely make it up the stairs. I didn't even feel like drawing, once I made it up the stairs. I managed to complete one 20 minute study, and the typical gesture studies for the whole night. Not a good session for me at all.

I'm still sore days later after the incident. My body has been sluggish, and I haven's been able to stay up late. I don't think I damaged my grafted leg, but I feel horrible still.

Yes, art = pain apparently. I'm not doing too well at the moment. My muscles in my back bother me more then anything. They feel twisted, tight, sore, and throb like they're about to explode. It seems like at every Drawing session now, I'm dealing with some intense muscle discomfort. I just try to stay focus on capturing the model. I feel like I have a lot to prove to others, as well as myself. So, I never give up on a real pose. Drawing tonight was a struggle though. I don't think being off my meds for two months was a good thing. I didn't have a choice though. I really needed the root canal, and I couldn't stay on the meds as well. I tried, and the results were not pleasant. Do you want to know something? I haven't been up to going to my group lately, but I feel better when I'm there. Even through the pain. I'm so focused, and my work hasn't been too bad. I'm just tired of living like this. I finally started another drug. Cellcept. Hopefully, that will lead to remission. I just want to create beautiful work, and be able to enjoy life.


Anyways, I guess I should post some work here. This is probably one of my best pieces that I've created in a session.

I'm invisible...it's just a fact in this point of my life.

artiste64: hey u
dellatigre: how's it going?
artiste64: kinda achy and I have some throbbing muscles this evening
artiste64: u?
dellatigre: ok, just a little blah...little sore throat still
dellatigre: maybe I need antibiotics?
artiste64: maybe we need jesus. lol
dellatigre: ha ha...what would jesus do?
artiste64: mend us
dellatigre: yes
dellatigre: you have his #?
dellatigre: does he accept medicare?

Why does it seem like every decision I've made is the wrong decision? Every choice that I've made is the wrong choice? That includes falling for YOU, and letting YOU into my world.

I will fall in love with you, so just leave me alone.

I'm the boy in the bubble. I'm the caged bird without a voice.

It finally happened on March 28th. The infamous graft. The Fibular Bone Graft, which would repair the decayed thighbone. I have to say that it was the most painful experience that I've ever been through. My body was engulfed by pain during that first week. Tubes ran through me. The Epidural in my back. The Catheter in my penis. Not a pleasant experience.

At this moment, I would like to thank MCV/The Medical College of Virginia for prescribing the steroid known as Prednisone to me. For not monitoring my condition properly, and allowing the steroid to decay my thighbones. It has definitely been a life changing experience.

I've been home since April 1st. Well, at my Father's house. I don't consider this place my home. The first couple of days back here were hard, but my pain levels aren't so bad at the moment. Staying comfortable has been the struggle. The pain meds keep me drained, and I'm tired of sitting on my bed. I'm tired of hearing the sounds of the outside world. The sun glares through my small window, and I can't put any weight on my leg for six weeks.

In other health related news, I have a Rheumy appointment next week, and I'm curious to see what route she wants to take for my Myositis. I'm still not in remission, and Prednisone is obviously not a choice anymore. I'm down to 2 mgs of the steroid. She doesn't want to explore any new treatments, so I'm frustrated with her decisions. Will this be a pointless appointment?

I'm really going to start posting alot of artwork here. The old. The new. Sketchbook pages. So, keep an eye on this LJ. For now, I have artwork on MySpace. Who doesn't have a MySpace page yet?

I want a throwback cell phone. One of the original cell phones, that looks like a cordless house phone. Not the small handy cordless phones, but the typical larger versions. Cream-looking or grey in color. The first cell phones had no caller ID, or fancy ring tones.

I want to walk down a crowded VA. Beach strip, looking like Kanye West. Talking on my throwback, while I rock a blazer w/ a clean polo shirt, my Rocawear jeans, and a fresh pair of Bapes.

If you don't know what Bapes are, do the research:P Check eBay. Google the shoes. But, for the lazy heads out there, Bapes are designer Japanese kicks. Basically, redesigned Nike Air Force Ones. Someone buy me some Bapes:P Authentic ones please.

Anyways, imagine how hot I would look in this scenario. LOL.

I woke up early this Sunday morning, thanks to the excruciating pain that was shooting from my right femur head. More then the usual pain, I tossed and turned in my drug induced haze. Saturday was Methotrexate day. Oral chemotherapy. The room felt like it was moving. Another week of dealing with this drug induced hangover. Drug induced fatigue. Great. I couldn’t get the hook of this Three Six Mafia song out of my head throughout all of this.

“I gotta stay fly I I I I I I I I until I die I I I I I I I ”

I couldn’t understand how I was actually up so early. I usually can’t manage to wake-up so early on Sundays. The drug induced haze usually keeps me from church. My mother claims I’m going to hell. I’m not present at a service. Does this mean that my drugs are evil? Do they bare the mark of the beast? LOL. I say that my first set of doctors were evil. They essentially destroyed my femur heads with their so-called treatment.

As time passed by during the grey and cold morning, I could feel some Myositis induced throbbing in my lower back. My muscles were ready to explode, but they never actually explode. Tick tock Tick tock, but no explosion.

So, I was thinking that I’m up for the day. Thinking that I would have a full day to work on some art. That turned out to not be the case though. The fatigue eventually engulfed me during the NFL pre-game show, and I actually slept through the first half of the early game. Unfortunately, not much of anything was worked on today. The Redskins lost by one point, adding to my disappointment of today’s events.

Everyday that I don't work on any art, I feel sick. Nauseating sick. Gut wrenching sick. Or maybe that's just my meds doing their usual thing. Well, creating work can be a battle at times. A struggle while I'm on these meds. Try creating art through a drug induced haze and fatigue. More then I can handle at times. I'm dreaming of the day that I finally am in remission. The day that I'm free from the meds. "Fight Club" author Chuck Palahniuk, suggested that chronic pain can be a gift. That tortured souls become true geniuses.

"Art Never Comes From Happiness"

I guess I'm in the progress of testing his words. Palahniuk's novel, "Diary", is laced with true stories of artists who struggled throughout their lives. I always think of Mexican artist, Frida Kahlo (1907-1954), when I'm dealing with my own pains. She was stricken with polio, and a bus accident that she was involved in as a teenager, caused great pain throughout the rest of her life. Being impaled through her vagina stands out in my mind. Do the research.

I still find it hard to believe that the meds that are keeping me alive, can cause so much damage. If a doctor wants to place you on a steroid called Prednisone, I would suggest that you run the other way. I've dealt with just about every possible side-effect that could affect you. I wasn't too happy with the weight gain, and I'm certainly not happy with the steroid induced Avascular Necrosis. As soon as I taper off this steroid, I'm off to Duke University for this Fibular bone graft on my thighbones. Decaying femur heads is painful stuff. I would've never thought that there was blood vessels in bones. Biology was never my favorite course in high school, and I opted on an Earth Science course for my science credit in college.

But, let me move on. I'm getting sidetracked here, and I need to focus. Even if I went into remission today, I would never truly be happy until I'm creating beautiful work on a regular basis. Then I would never be happy until my art career starts taking off again. I keep thinking that I'm dealing with this rare muscle disease for a reason. That I lost my focus some, although I was planning to go to grad school, and this is my time to start shining again. I will probably appreciate my gift and my art more if I can produce through this painful period.

I'll end this first entry with some words of inspiration. I just bought issue #5 of "Kabuki: The Alchemy", by David Mack (not the typical comic book artist and writer), and certain passages just seemed like they were meant for me. Talking to me. Definitely, words to inspire me. Enjoy:

I find that to accomplish anything, you need initiative, persistence, discipline, and will. And most of all, the decision to just do it and set it in motion. The conventional idea of talent is an illusion.

So many people have a natural talent and do nothing with it. You must do something in order for your talent to show up. You don't just wait for it to show up. You don't just wait for it to show up and do nothing. And some people know they have a talent and passion for something, but do nothing with it because they are waiting for someone to validate them, or give them a job, or guarantee them some kind of security before they pursue it. So they never do it.

It doesn't work that way. You do the work first. And then you get the ripple effect. Not the other way around. You have to set it in motion for your talent to emerge and shape itself. You start something even if you are not sure of how to finish it. You see the first stepping stone, and you jump to that.

You can only see the next stepping stone after you get to the first one. Not before. At each jump, the next stepping stone comes into view.